AT THE SPEED OF NOOR

A long-time friend who knows me better than most people recently told me (as I was writing down our food order) that the way I held the pen reminded me of the way I drew when we were younger, and how she wished she could draw like me. Context: She's a professional painter and has been in numerous exhibitions, so while I appreciated her sweet compliment/gesture, I can't bring myself to believe her. Not because she has ever lied to me or anything — what she said just doesn't make sense to me. I wish my brain wouldn't distort my thoughts and make me doubt the good things people who care about me say about me. This isn't about learning to accept praise. It's learning to believe that you do have value to people who care about you. That some people like you being in their lives, and can accept you as you are even when you are told many times before that nobody would. Now I'm crying again. I'm going to sleep this off tonight.

Bumped into an old friend/neighbor whom I haven't seen in a while today. I didn't notice him at first. Not long after I put down my stuff on the empty table next to him, he looked up and said hi. I think he saw the panic/confusion in my eyes because he then asked, "How's aunty and uncle?" (i.e. my parents), and then it clicked who he was. He said he'd seen me around the cafe a couple of times doing work and stuff, but I didn't recognise him at all. It feels weird to be remembered... I always feel like a blurry insignificant extra in the background of people's movie of their life. I don't think I'll ever get used to being remembered. We had a few simple exchanges like, "How's your mom?"; "Where do you live now?"; "Is your bro still living in the neighborhood?";"I miss the playground"; "We haven't seen each other since high school!"; "Yea none of us are married so we're all pretty...